Don’t Ask

Was Studio30Plus’ writing prompt last week.  I am late, again.  *sigh*

Originally when I saw the prompt, DON’T ASK, my mind replied with don’t tell.  And it didn’t have anything to do with sexual orientations.

Some questions you may not want to ask:

Who farted? Imagine yourself sitting in a room with the Madonna (different from Madonna –yes, I am looking at you Raynard), your priest and your grandmother.  Is any answer gonna be good one?

When is your baby due? I am of the larger persuasion; I have been all my life.  I have heard this question so many times when I wasn’t truly expecting.  STOP ASKING.  It is awkward, for both of us.  If I want to tell you about my children or breeding habits, I will find a way.  I’m real good at talking about me.

Who is the father? OK, yes this one is just rude I know, but of course I have been asked.  In fact, when I brought my oldest son home from the hospital and my father called his sister to share my blessed illegitimate event I overheard from the other room, “At least he is white.”

Were you invited?  Umm, ok, I am real guilty of this one.  I am always the one saying I am going to some super fabulous event like:

  • learning how to make the proper cupcake with BFF
  • gauntlet warehouse store for weekly grocery list
  • getting drunk with girlfriends
  • pedicures
  • sex store adventure
  • Christmas dinner with the family

And I just didn’t realize you were the ONE person of the face of the earth that would make this experience uncomfortable.  Next time couldn’t you bow out gracefully?

What happened with your ex? Unless your reply is MAULED BY BEAR, this is just voyeurism.  Don’t TELL.

 

Is that a wig?  I have real bad hair; it is part of my charm.  Currently my coif is purple and extremely misshaped; because my fabulous gay hairdresser and I have such a good time together we forget to do what I showed up for.  Knowing all this, people still have the balls to ask if it is a comb over?  My hair is the only thing I have that is THIN, let me have fun with it people.

Inevitably I will tell you the answers to all these questions, but only because we are so close.  So what are you afraid to ask?

9 thoughts on “Don’t Ask

  1. this is laugh out loud funny….from start to finish. I have also learned that you need to be careful when referring to someone as a grandparent when in fact it is the actual parent. A purple come over eh? mmm curiousity is getting the best of me here
    thanks for the morning chuckle with my cup o joe
    ps.. my husband and I have aged at a rapid pace==both went gray in our 30ths. I actually had someone ask me what horrifying events happened to YOU people to make your hair so gray so young. Then she asked ” Do you people have offspring?” if so they must be HORRIFIED at their future.” what the flying feck??? Plus who talks this way..you people? I guess we were pretty low in her pecking order..

  2. What am I afraid to ask? I have a new’ish friend. I don’t know her well yet. She is beautiful with a rock hard body but her teeth are… like bulging out? It looks as she has many layers of enamel added on her teeth. Whenever we talk I want to ask “what happened to your teeth?? Leo has taught me that even if a woman has a baby pushing its way out, it’s still not ok to ask if she’s pregnant.

    I’ve had people, (I grew up in Montreal, I’m French-Canadian) ask me what my nationality was. Honestly – “What’s your nationality? You’re white and look like you come from here, but your accent is weird and the stuff you talk about… you’re not from here are you?” And that was IN Montreal. It was odd. My favorite question though is “Can I see your ID?” when I buy liquor. Last time was a little over a year ago. I’m 46. It’s by far the best question somebody can ask me based on a total misconception.

    Love the reply to the prompt! :)

    p.s. who farted – AWESOME

      • Actually what people don’t know is when I’m sailing, and the boat leans over 25 degrees I turn into Little Miss Chicken Shit. :( But thanks! I love compliments

        p.s. I was totally wondering about that “come over” thing! Ha! Good catch unfetteredbs

  3. This is great. I have a friend who, when asked about what happened to his ex, always says “sky diving accident.” He has yet to get a follow up question. I think my favorite “don’t ask” question so far has come from my step-grandmother, who asked in the middle of a group of people at my sister’s wedding what I was using for birth control these days. Yeeeeah.

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