So after I met Paula Poundstone three times and the restraining order has been dismissed, I thought this year might be a good year to stalk someone else. Loving Husband Raynard and I discussed it; we thought it would be cool to see Lewis Black in concert. Nobody cool comes to Nowhere, WY. We thought we would go to Vegas and see him. The nice part for Raynard, he knew it would never happen, ‘cause I don’t fly, or travel great distances. He could just sit back and say yes, and if we didn’t go TOTALLY not his fault.
The great thing about Nowhere, WY; it is not close to anything. Except in August. For people who love motorcycles it is close to Sturgis, SD. And talented people come from all over the world come to perform in Sturgis, SD. Guess who came this year?
That is right. Lewis. F’n. Black.
Loving Husband Raynard pointed out the ad in the Sunday paper. “Guess who is playing Deadwood for the Rally this year?”
I may have said something like, “yeah, right. Lewis FUCKING Black is coming to Deadwood.” As I grabbed the paper for confirmation. I ran to my writing room and called the hotel to price tickets. The lady selling tickets was not at all impressed. WTF lady? Do you not know? How could you not know? This is important stuff. Lewis FUCKING Black coming to Deadwood.
I am the 6th funniest blogger on the planet (well, tied for 6th) and I have set a goal to see him this year. Have a little more charm would you?
Long story short, Raynard waivered: could we afford tickets? Who would watch Pete? We just bought a brand new car, would there be ample parking? NO SHIT that was really one of the deciding factors. I made an executive decision, I was going. Raynard could stay home or he could come enjoy the fun, but I was going. Once I said that, Raynard said yes. We bought tickets and we were off.
We had a night out. Alone. Like real couples do *sigh*. It was amazing, plus we saw Lewis. FUCKING. Black.
To understand the depth of this story you should know, Kathleen Madigan was scheduled to play Nowhere, WY on 05/15/2012, my real 15 year wedding anniversary. She had to reschedule. She is still coming, just in September.
So after the show, Raynard bought me a t-shirt. I asked if Lewis would be out to sign the shirts. “No.” was my only reply.
So I went to security. “How do I meet Lewis Black?”
“You need a VIP pass.”
“How do I get a VIP pass?”
“Get here 6 hours ago. They have been passing them out all day.”
“I work for a living. I can’t just be standing around all day hoping someone gives me a Lewis Black back stage pass.”
“Don’t we all ma’am.” And just like that he ma’am’d me.
So I put on my gentile smile, batted my eyes, softened my voice and said to the nice man who had recently ma’am’d me, “Listen, I am the 6th funniest blogger on the planet. It is really important that Lewis meets me tonight.”
“Sometimes the talent gambles downstairs, you could wait down there if you would like.” Said the security guard UNIMPRESSED with my credentials.
Exactly. NO! Can you believe that?
I met up with an old friend that I grew up with. We liked each other long ago. But her sister married the brother of my starter kit marriage. So it has been awkward, for me. She has always been nice, kind and giving. I have always felt less than in the presence of those who know starter-kit. Because, who knows what his perception is. I know what mine is. But I have never bothered to ask, “what does starter kit say about me?” Let’s call her Xsil1rmvd (x-sister in law once removed).
Back to the story, Xsil1rmvd and I were hell bent to meet Lewis. We went to the bar, we were told if we wait, sometimes the talent comes out this door right next to the bar.
We had a drink, and waited. And waited. And waited some more.
We decided we should check the casino downstairs. See if Lewis was gambling? Raynard grabbed a machine sure to win his fortune AND that is when I noticed Mike walking by. I had seen Mike come out of the Employee Only door. “Did I see you come out of the VIP room upstairs?” I asked.
Mike replied with “Yes.” You could tell he was super proud and trying to play it off like this stuff happens every day.
“Mike, hi!” I said while shaking his hand. “You don’t know me… yet. My name is Sadie Wilson. Mike, how did you get into the VIP room?”
Mike looked at me sheepishly and said, “This doesn’t work very often, but my dad owns the casino.”
“Really? Mike, I am the 6th funniest blogger on the planet. It is really important that Lewis Black meets me, how do I get into the VIP room?”
Mike looked a little scared, not of me… that I know of, and started feeling around in his pockets and pulled out a VIP card. That blessed man Mike leaned in close and said, “I don’t know if this will work, and I am not promising anything, but…” I looked around the room saw Loving Husband Raynard and mouthed “holy shit… follow me.” Raynard got up and started following, next I saw Xsil1rmvd and her husband and motioned with my head. There was now a Lewis. FUCKING. Black conga line following Mike and myself.
We are meeting Lew…is(kick right). We are meeting Lew…is(kick left). Don’t you wish you were… us (kick right)? We are meeting Lew….is(kick left).
We head upstairs and security sees me and starts to surround staircase. Mike tells them WE are headed upstairs. I look at them and say, “Sadie Wilson here, 6th funniest blogger on the planet. And this is my security.” motioning my head towards the conga mob following us.
They let us through. HOLY. SHIT.
We walk into the employee only entrance. And then wouldn’t you know, new security rounds the steps. Mike says, “I am just going to go back there.” Security shakes his head at Mike.
“Lewis has gone to the green room. He is done.”
And I looked at the little security dude, that possibly was still breast feeding and said, “I don’t suppose you care, that I am the 6th funniest blogger on the planet? And that it is really important that Lewis meets me tonight?”
“That is what I thought, and THAT is why we can’t have nice things!”
Mike, Raynard, Xsil1rmvd, Xsil1rmvd’s spouse and I all pony up to the bar and talk about how close we got. Like Icarus, who flew too close to the sun… the wax began to melt.
Mike bought me a drink of Coffee Patron. I don’t drink coffee or tequila, but what the hell. He bought one for Xsil1rmvd too. I kissed the bartender’s head. He was sweet and a fellow thespian. For being kicked out of every part of that casino –they sure were nice to me.
And then I ordered a second glass of wine when…
Lewis. FUCKING. Black walked out the door behind me.
Xsil1rmvd took off running after him.
She said, “Now pose with Sadie!”
Lewis looked at me. I asked, “Is it okay?”
“Sure, c’mon.” He waived me in. I was so happy. Too happy. Lewis did not ask Xsil1rmvd to check my photo, ‘cause I look like a total dork. The best part? John Bowman totally photo-bombed my shot! Look over Lewis’ right shoulder.
And as Lewis started to leave, I shouted out to him… “Kathleen Madigan is playing Nowhere, WY in September.”
Lewis looked at me and said, “Is that right?”
“Yes, you should come and hang out with her. You can totally stay on my sofa!”
And that is when the elevator doors closed. I am guessing much to Lewis Black’s relief.