2013 was unfunny.
2014 is setting up to be no better.
2013 I did not write. I feel bad about myself when I do not write. Sadie is my identity. Sadie is not a mom, she is not a wife, and she is not an employee. Sadie is… what I was always meant to be.
Sadie can be a mom, wife, and employee too. But she needs to be a writer first.
I got a text from far away that said, “Your blog has expired? I hope you are okay. I just thought you should know.”
Trust me, I knew.
Sadie didn’t have anything to say. My whole purpose has been to find that humor in my day, and to tell you about it. For one year now, I have not felt humor. I have felt mostly sadness and depression.
I am sure there are a myriad of reasons for the depression. The consequences of this depression are thoughts of suicide. So I have not written. I don’t want to be the catalyst for anyone’s ill-advised choices.
I have thought about writing this for a year. I verbalized this blog several times last year under the guise of humor.
Unspecified person: “What are your plans for the weekend?”
Sadie: “Nothing major. A bottle of wine and some Ambien is all it will take, and I will go the way of Heath Ledger.”
I know it is a bad joke.
After improv practice one night we all went out for appetizers, I started the conversation.
Sadie: I thought about killing myself a lot this year. Umm, just thought you guys should know. You are my best friends.
EVERYONE IN THE GROUP: I did too.
(shock, amazement, and understanding from the whole group)
Player 1: My parents are sick; it has been a hard year.
Player 2&3: Going through a bad divorce, I thought about it a lot.
Sadie: I find it weird, that we are all friends, see each other all the time and no one EVER once thought to pick up a phone and ask for help?
We pinky swore at the table, if we need each other we promise to reach out.
I tried to reach out once. The text was not returned.
I scared Raynard with my thoughts. He hid all the guns.
I told my BFF’s and they pity me. I can see it in their eyes. They check in on me via text.
I have always wondered, why people don’t ask for help. Here is my thought now; it is fucking hard to ask for help. And you know people will always look at you as weak. I have never been weak… I have been fragile. I have been inconsolable. I have never been weak.
I don’t intend to kill myself. If you are thinking of suicide, I promise there is a better choice; I just need to be honest, especially here.
My life is not all humor. Humor is what I have tried to provide to you. Sometimes humor is hard, real hard.
Information you may need to know, no judgment. I promise.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline